A high number of the people we meet in our business operations are in the accounting area so we decided to put together a few accounting jokes we have come across over the years.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog,
and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll marry you, I’ll cook your meals and even do your laundry. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m an accountant. I don’t have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!”
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where’s the three million bucks
you embezzled from me?”
The accountant doesn’t answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well, ask him where the money is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re talking about,” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!” The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
This is a true story.
An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres.
The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him.
“Hello,” he said. “I’m the auditor. I’ve come to count the sheep.”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young accountant, fresh out of MBA school, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The accountant coolly said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – for starters, say, a red Corvette?”
The accountant tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
“Yeah,” the interviewer shrugged, “But you started it.”
What did the terrorist who hijacked
a plane full of accountants do?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.
A doctor, a minister, a lawyer, and an accountant are friends.
The lawyer finds out he is dying of cancer and gives each of his friends an envelope full of money. He tells them he can’t stand the thought of being without it and asks them to each place the money in the coffin at his funeral. They all agree.
At the funeral they wait until everyone else has viewed the body and each goes up one at a time. The doctor places the thick envelope in the coffin, then the minister places his thick envelope in the coffin. Finally the accountant places a small envelope in the coffin.
After the funeral the doctor and minister ask the accountant what happened, for he had agreed to put the money in the coffin. The accountant said, “But I always pay my lawyer with a check!”
A local restaurant was so sure its massive Sumo chef was the strongest man around, they had a standing $1,000.00 offer that the chef would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out of the lemon would walk away with the money. Many people had tried, including weight lifters and longshoremen, but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try it”. After the laughter had died down the chef said, “OK.”
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and one by one 6 drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd erupted into cheering, the chef paid the $1,000.00 and asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a builder’s labourer or what?”
He adjusted his glasses on his nose and said, “I work for the Tax Department”. (Southwell-Keely Partners)
What’s an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. (Southwell-Keely Partners)
What’s an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own. (Southwell-Keely Partners)